Jiraiya's Scheme: The Sequel!
by ItsWhatevs
Summary: Jiraiya accidentally destroys the universe, that's no biggy though, 'cause Kami'll fix it. But she's gonna want something in return... How is Naruto gonna survive seventy-two hours in harem hell? *In Progress*
1. If It Ain't Broke

**AN: Holy hell it's been a while! This is the continuation, the sequel, to Jiraiya's Scheme! Before I say anything else I'd like to showcase my very first flame: "Fucking giant pile of shit. Don't make a sequel" - valued costumer. Against these wise words, I've made a sequel (you're reading it, baka) and it probably sucks just as much! But I couldn't leave you hangin' with the crap ending of my first story ;). First thing I'll say, I'm not sure how long this will be or how long the chapters'll be but hopefully they won't be as pitifully short as my first story! Unless you guys (who am I kidding, no one reads this crap :o) like shorter, easier to read chapters? This is my second fanfic and if you wanna see the first story (Jiraiya's Scheme) it's on my profile. In case you forgot, this is kind of a NaruHarem, but there is only one actual pairing - neither of these are yaoi. I think that's all for now so,  
**

**Ja ne!**

**Disclaimer: Turns out Kishimoto doesn't wanna share the rights to Naruto...**

**Dialogue:**

"Talking"

'_Thinking_'

_**This is reversed in Furasshu Bakku**_

**On with the story,  
**

* * *

**Chapter One:** _If It Ain't_ _Broke..._**  
**

_Minutes before the flash..._

Jiraiya was sweating bullets as Tsunade stalked towards him, cracking her knuckles.

"Jiraiya..." She let his name hang in the air threateningly. She had seen perfectly clear that 'locking' the scroll didn't work. Tsunade was thinking he intentionally left the seal activated for his own perverse pleasure. And he was gonna pay.

Jiraiya tried locking and unlocking the scroll several times but, if the commotion outside was any indication, it hadn't done a thing to stop the girls of Konoha. As Tsunade stalked closer he grew more desperate. Attempting to save himself from the impending beating, he made several random hand seals, pumped chakra in and out of the scroll, and did pretty much anything he could think of that might be able to stop the seal's effects.

Anime tears began streaming from Jiraiya's eyes as nothing worked, but before Tsunade could dish out her feminine fury, everything was enveloped in a white flash...

* * *

Naruto was currently clinging to an irate-looking woman in post glomp. She was trying to peel him off her face, but only succeeded in prying his crotch from her face for a few seconds before his hips would slam into her face in a vicious power-hump. Naruto took no notice of this as he was crying tears of joy. This woman had summoned him to wherever-the-hell before blabbing about some space-time continuum nonsense. All he cared about was that there were no girls in sight and this particular woman had no damnable _blush_ on her face.

"Thank Kami-sama!" Naruto shouted from his perch on the woman's face.

She suddenly smirked. "Ironic you'd say that."

Naruto jumped back and landed on his feet to address the woman. "Huh?" Let it be known that Uzumaki Naruto was a _true_ scholar.

"I am Kami." She said simply. Naruto scrunched his nose as he squinted at the woman.

"Pfffft, and I'm Yami." Naruto replied giving her a disbelieving stare. A hannya mask started to materialize behind the woman. It was pitch black with intricate red lines that slowly dripped. There was a dark maroon mist coming off the mask in waves that started to form odd-looking apparitions that were only slightly humanoid. As they got closer to the blond he instantly realized what they were.

"G-G-Ghh-Ga-Gagaga-Ghosts!" Naruto stammered out in a high pitched voice. After a few minutes or so of wildly fleeing Naruto ran into the woman again.

"St-Stay back!" Naruto yelled while backpedaling, only to turn and see her inches from his face. "Eep!"

"I was only proving my statement," Kami said, "I'm not gonna hurt you." Naruto was not fooled by that sweet smile. This woman was death-on-legs and while he didn't believe she was actually Kami, he'd keep that to himself after having been chased by one of the few things he actually feared.

"Now let me explain the situation. The flash you saw before you were brought here," Naruto nodded in recognition, "was the destruction of your plane of the Multiverse." Naruto blinked owlishly making Kami sigh. "In layman's terms," Naruto just tilted his head furthering Kami's annoyance. "In terms you'll understand..." Kami ground out slowly. She continued when Naruto nodded. "You're in Heaven."

"I'M DEAD?!" Naruto shouted quite loudly.

Cringing at the pain in her ears, Kami sighed. "Not exactly. That perverted idiot of a sage destroyed your world."

"WHAT!" Before Naruto could begin a shout-fest he was swatted upside the head by Kami.

"Will you stop that!" She said, thoroughly annoyed with the blonde.

"So what does this mean?" Naruto asked in a panicked voice.

"Just how it sounds." Kami stated calmly. "Your world is no more." Before Naruto could panic or break down or anything else _annoying_ Kami cut him off. "But, I can fix it." Anticipating the question long before he could ask, Kami continued. "I will turn back time a few minutes to before the scroll was tampered with. From there you can stop him."

"Thank you, Kami-sama!" Naruto shouted while bowing low. He looked up again as she resumed speaking.

"Although you'll still have this harem problem... _permanently_" Kami smirked at Naruto's pale face. "But I could fix that too... if you do something for me..."

Naruto nodded his head fervently. "Anything!"

Kami smirked again. "After you have successfully made it through seventy-two hours of this 'harem' ordeal without getting caught in the... _marriage justu_... I'll free you of your plight."

"But... why didn't locking the scroll work?" Naruto questioned nervously, attempting to get out of fulfilling this 'favor'.

"Simple. The seal that baka made didn't do anything in the first place."

"Eeeeehh?"

"I caused all the women of Konoha to have an _attraction_ to you. It is quite amusing, the situations you end up in." Kami giggled remembering many of the embarrassing and hilarious predicaments the blonde had found himself in. Naruto blushed hearing her angelic giggle before shaking his head.

"Seventy-two hours and you'll un-attract those girls?" Naruto asked hopefully. Thinking about it, it couldn't be too hard, right? Find some place to hide out that has food... sounded like a cake-walk now that his mind was clear.

"Hai." Kami nodded. "Anything else you'd like to know, Naruto-kun?" Naruto's cheeks dusted red and Kami giggled at his innocence.

"Ah, n-no." Naruto suddenly pumped his fist into the air.

"I'm ready, Kami-sama! Send me back!"

Before he was enveloped in a blinding light, Naruto saw Kami wink at him and heard her speak.

"Please, call me Kami-_chan_."

* * *

**AN: Whoooo, chapter one done! Not much to say about the chapter, but the next chapter will come after I think it up... eheh. I make up my stories as I go... literally. No planning whatsoever. Just like my life :o. Anyways, review, flame, favorite, follow, whatever, but really lemme know whatcha think. For now,  
**

**Ja!**


	2. Survival Tactics

**AN: Prepare for another shitty chapter of my shitty fanfic! Alright, it's 5:40 AM and I'm gonna try for 3K+ words. Oh by the way, I'm thinkin' maybe one girl is not enough... hmm. Well, I haven't got a whole ton to say so,  
**

**Ja ne!**

**Dialogue:**

"Talking"

'_Thinking_'

**_This is reversed in Furasshubakku_**

**On with the story,**

* * *

**Chapter Two:** _Survival Tactics__  
_

Naruto blinked as he was suddenly in the Hokage's office with Tsunade and Jiraiya once again. Looking to his left he saw the mass of females through the broken window. Over to his right Jiraiya was about to boot him out of said window.

"Wait!" Jiraiya stopped, one leg in the air. "Ero-sennin, the lock didn't do anything." Naruto said, pointing to the scroll.

"How would you know?" Jiraiya asked slightly offended that Naruto didn't believe in his _awesome_ fuuinjutsu. Naruto just pointed to the crowd who were staring at Naruto with hearts in their eyes.

"Oh..."

Tsunade huffed in annoyance. "So now what are we supposed to do?"

"Erm, maybe if we waited a few days, the seal's effects would wear off..." Naruto suggested in an inconspicuous tone. Jiraiya closed his eyes and tilted his head up as he sniffed. "My fuuinjutsu is _awesome_, what makes you think it'll just wear off?" Jiraiya asked haughtily.

"Uh, just a hunch..." Naruto nervously chuckled.

"Are you tryna say somethin'?" Jiraiya asked with narrowed eyes. "Trying to deny the _awesomeness_, of my fuuinjutsu?"

A tic mark popped on Tsunade's forehead as her left eye twitched. "This isn't a time for your foolishness, Jiraiya! This is deadly serious!"

Ignoring the first sentence for the second, Jiraiya smirked. "Deadly serious? What's wrong if a few woman lay the gaki before this is over? Unless... you wanna lay him yourself."

More embarrassed than angry Tsunade looked away with a huff and a cherry blush. "Yeah right... I just don't want to have to deal with more blond gaki running around Konoha." Seeing Jiraiya still smirking at her, she blushed harder and looked away again.

Naruto suddenly faceplanted violently. "What the hell?!" He looked back to see a pair of hands grabbing his ankles and two onyx eyes staring at him from over the bottom of the window frame. Her eyes crinkled into what he assumed was a smile and he could see a light dusting of red on her cheeks. "Naru-kun!"

Naruto squinted for a few seconds before he realized who she was. "Shikamaru's mom?!"

"Please, call me Yoshino-chan, Naru-kun!"

"Ack, help!" Naruto yelled as she started to drag him toward the window. As he got closer he could see the mass of girls was piled under the window of the Hokage tower and Yoshino was standing on Tsume's face. Despite her face being squashed under the other woman's feet she was gazing up at Naruto with a smile and blush combo, making Naruto squeak.

Tsunade and Jiraiya snapped out of their conversation, which was really Jiraiya teasing her about Naruto and her uselessly denying everything, to see Naruto crying anime tears as he was being dragged towards the window with his nails scraping along the floor. Jiraiya grabbed one of his hands then smirked at this glorious opportunity. He reached over to Tsunade and grabbed her right breast before using a seal-less shunshin to bring the three of them to the top of the Hokage monument.

"You pervert!"

Jiraiya was reduced to a twitching mass of limbs on the ground by a chakra charged fist from Tsunade. As Jiraiya mumbled about "Tsunade-hime's breasts" and such, Tsunade found she was gradually becoming less annoyed by it...

* * *

_In Heaven...  
_

Kami had a few giggles and laughs so far, but she want to spice it up a bit.

"Hmmm... Aha!"

With a snap of her fingers, Tsunade was enveloped in a white light for all of two seconds...

* * *

Naruto was looking out over Konohagakure from atop the Yondaime's head, trying to think of a good place to hide out when he felt a slender pair of arms slip under his own to wrap around his waist and a chin rest on his left shoulder. He craned his neck to see Tsunade smiling. He was surprised but she wasn't red in the face so he guessed it was okay...

"Naruto-kun..." Tsunade stood up straight and spun Naruto around to face her. Before he could say anything she pressed her soft lips to his and rubbed her breasts up and down his chest. Naruto's eyes widened and he pushed her back before back flipping off the monument while screaming.

Seeing the kiss, Jiraiya sighed. "That gaki is so lucky..." He sighed.

Which of course turned into perverted giggles.

Which then turned into a girlish scream of terror as Tsunade decided to blame him for Naruto's departure.

* * *

Naruto was sprinting down a random street in Konoha before he ducked into an ally where he proceeded to empty his stomach into a garbage can.

'_Baa-chan... that was so gross..._'

Tsunade's age didn't bother him as she was plenty beautiful regardless, but to him, she was like a grandmother.

He took a breather before he stumbled toward the exit of the ally. Naruto stopped as a snake suddenly fell in front of him. He looked up only to receive a face full of crotch.

Anko was sitting on Naruto's shoulders the wrong way around. She lifted her legs and placed her hands on top of his head before spinning around and dropping her legs to dangle in front of Naruto's chest. Seeing his blush she giggled.

"Woops, I landed the wrong way~"

Naruto looked up and, noticing the distinct lack of a blush, decided it was safe. He would still be wary though, after Tsunade had turned on him...

"Anko-sensei, you're not... up to something, are you?" Naruto questioned.

Anko faked a thoughtful look, biting her bottom lip and her left index poking the left corner of her lips, pushing her left cheek up. She inwardly grinned as she noticed Naruto blush at the intentional cute look.

"Nope!" She chirped brightly. After gazing for several more seconds, Naruto decided to believe her.

"Then, do you think you could help me, Anko-sensei?" He asked hopefully.

"Well first," Anko said holding up a finger, "call me Anko-_chan_."

"Anko-chan, I really need a place to hide, for like, three days!" Naruto pleaded.

'_He's basically offering me to kidnap him..._' Anko grinned pervertedly as her imagination conjured up ways to _entertain_ her soon-to-be guest.

"You can stay at my house as long as you'd like! Whoever is after would never think to check there." Anko said cheerfully.

Naruto grinned foxily up at Anko. "Thanks, Anko-chan!"

Anko felt her heart beat a little faster and had to beat back a blush. Eager to get him back to her home she used one-handed seals to shunshin to her living room...

* * *

A man with dark grey, spiky hair and a slightly wrinkled visage closed his only visible eye as he sat in what looked to be an underground base of sorts.

"The tracking device was successfully placed, Danzo-sama." The voice came from a figure clad in all black with light brown, spiky hair and an all white porcelain mask that was kneeling at Danzo's feet.

"I want him brought here within the next two hours. Failure will not be tolerated. Go."

"Hai, Danzo-sama!"

* * *

_Anko's apartment...  
_

It was now almost twenty-four o'clock and Naruto was dead tired. As he slightly stumbled from the shunshin Anko slipped from his shoulders and landed on her feet.

"Anko-chan... do you have a place I could sleep, I'm-" Naruto was cut off by his own yawn.

Anko couldn't completely withhold a blush as her cheeks turned a slight pink.

"Yeah, come on." She said softly, grabbing Naruto's left hand with both of hers. She led him to a dark room which Naruto wasn't really able to make anything out of. He could see a large bed with a silky looking purple comforter, and that was all he cared about. Ignoring his manners in favor of sleep, Naruto pulled the comforter back before bonelessly plopping down then pulling the comforter over himself. As he closed his eyes a pair of arms wrapped around him and he felt something, or rather two somethings, squish into his back. A leg wrapped around both of his and when the thigh grazed his hand he could tell Anko was stark naked in the bed with him. He was too tired to bring himself to care.

Before he fell asleep he faintly heard, "Goodnight, koibito."

* * *

Danzo's eye twitched as the Ne member in front of him handed him a crusty black chip.

"Is that... vomit?" He definitely did not sound pleased.

Despite being supposedly emotionless, the Ne member was sweating bullets.

"H-Hai, Danzo-s-sama."

Misinterpreting the fearful stutter, Danzo's other eye joined in on the twitch-party.

"Do you find this amusing?" Not pleased at all.

The Ne member's body was now shaking in fear, which Danzo once again misinterpreted for silent chuckling.

"You failed to bring me the Uzumaki. Failure will not be tolerated."

"B-but, Danz-"

"DIE!"

Danzo began chasing the Ne member around the base, swinging his cane wildly at him.

"DO YOU STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY?!"

The Ne member looked back and squeaked when he saw the cane flying at him.

* * *

**AN: Well, shit. Only got to 1.7K, but I'm too damn tired to continue. Either way I hope it was at least a decent chapter and lemme know whatcha think. I'm trying to add humor, so let me know if it's funny or not! Review and all that jazz! Once again I guess I don't have too much to say so, for now,  
**

**Ja!**


	3. When Kami Gets Bored

**AN: Hey! Uhm, that's really all I have to say I guess... so,  
**

**Ja ne!**

**Dialogue:**

"Talking"

'_Thinking_'

**_This is reversed in furasshubakku_**

"_There's no plural in Romaji!_"

**On with the story,**

* * *

**Chapter Three:**_ When Kami Gets Bored  
_

Anko blinked the sleep out of her eyes as she sat up in her bed. Looking over to her side, she blinked again at the small piece of paper lying next to her. It had the words "_He's mine!_" written and a chibi drawing of a woman with long, slightly wild hair, a Konoha protector on her forehead, bandages on her thighs and forearms, and what looked like a dress made of bandages. She was smiling and holding up a 'victory sign' (or peace sign) with her right hand. Anko jutted her bottom lip out in a pout as she whined.

"Nai-chaaaan!"

* * *

Naruto slowly peeked his head out from behind a tree as he surveyed the dirt road ahead of him. Looking left and right, he dropped onto his stomach and began a fast-paced army crawl across the road. Once on the other side, he log-rolled about fifty times then popped up into the air, ducking into a booth as soon as he landed. Leaning over the counter almost to the point of falling off the other side, he whispered loudly.

"Teuchi-jiji, four miso ramen and eight pork!"

After receiving no reply for a few seconds, Naruto leaned farther over the counter and was about to order again before he faceplanted on the other side of the counter.

"Itai!"

Rubbing his head as he looked up, Naruto noticed he wasn't at Ichiraku's. He was flat on his back and looking up at the 'counter' he fell over. The counter was actually a couch, which was holding a beautiful woman who was currently giggling at Naruto. The first thing Naruto noticed was her unique outfit. She wore a piece of fabric (can someone please tell me what the hell it's called?) somewhat reminiscent of a shawl that was wrapped tightly around her body, covering her shoulders to her knees. She had a mesh top underneath and bandages on her thighs and forearms. On her right arm was a loose, red sleeve that was connected to her dress (or whatever the fuck it is -_-).

At the moment though Naruto was more focused on something else. That being, he had a perfect view up her dress (fuck it I'm calling it a dress) and could see her red lace panties. Naruto was no pervert, but he was a sexteen year old male. I mean sixteen. The view and her melodic giggles had his face flushing deep red. He suddenly snapped his head up after realizing he was 'peeping'. Of course being Naruto he didn't realize the woman's legs were spread intentionally.

'_Dammit, I'm becoming Ero-sennin!_'

* * *

Tsunade's face was suddenly covered in a gooey mess that began dripping from her face. Jiraiya had just violently sneezed (what were you thinkin'? ;]) on her as she was ranting to him about it being his fault Naruto suddenly left.

"Jiraiya..."

Expecting a beating, Jiraiya covered his face and jewels. So, he was sufficiently surprised when he felt Tsunade tackle him off of the Yondaime's head.

* * *

Naruto slowly stood up and tried to play it off like he wasn't staring up the dress of the woman in front of him for a solid five minutes. After regaining his composure he was suddenly straddling the woman with a kunai to her throat. He inched his face forward until their noses bumped together. Not seeing any signs of the jutsu he was about to back up when she spoke.

"Oh, you're into kinky stuff, huh?" She giggled.

Thinking she was just referring to him being extra cautious, he answered.

"Yeah, it's been a habit the last few hours."

The woman's eyes widened as a small blush rose to her cheeks. '_Was Naruto-kun having sex with Anko-chan before I took him?_'

Once again, being Naruto, he didn't notice her blush.

"So, uhm... where am I?" Naruto asked while rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. The woman struggled to beat back a blush at his 'kawaiiness'.

"My home."

"How..."

"I brought you here after you bumped your head and lost consciousness."

"Who-"

"Jounin Instructor Yuuhi Kurenai at your service!"

"What-"

"It's currently seven o'clock."

Naruto brought his face close to hers again. Like, you-just-dropped-a-nuke-on-my-personal-bubble close. Kurenai couldn't _not_ blush at the close proximity, but Naruto didn't notice as all he could see was her red eyes. Which, being so close he realized were, in his words, 'extremely pretty'. With a slight blush Naruto spoke.

"Are you a psychic or somethin'?"

Kurenai just giggled before moving her face forward a few centimeters, which was _more_ than enough to firmly plant her lips to his.

"Or something."

Naruto's was dazed a bit from her soft lips and, without thinking, gave her a small kiss. Kurenai gasped before smirking around Naruto's lips. Naruto suddenly felt something soft, warm, and wet enter his mouth. After a few seconds he realized; he was on his back, Kurenai was on him, and her tongue was enthusiastically molesting his mouth. He used kawarimi with a pillow and Kurenai suddenly got a mouth full of lint.

"Ack!"

Hacking up lint like a stray ally cat, Kurenai scanned the room before noticing the wide open door.

'_Damn. I almost had him..._'

* * *

A black-haired man suddenly jumped as the ground next to him exploded in a shower of dirt and grass. A black blur appear from the newly made hole and shouted before running away.

"Run for your lives! It's Rushifā-teme himself!"

An unearthly roar sounded out before another man appeared from the hole. He was dual-wielding a pair of canes, holding them like umbrella handles. The old man yelled as he sprinted after the black blur.

"Who's laughing now?! NOBODY!"

The aforementioned black-haired man felt a large sweatdrop roll down his head as he heard a loud squeak then psychotic cackling from the direction the two people disappeared to.

* * *

Naruto panted as he neared his favorite ramen shop. He had sprinted all the way here from Kurenai's house after she had tried to do... whatever it was. What was she doing? And for that matter, he didn't know what _he_ was doing. Why had he kissed her back? He was sufficiently confused, but the smell of Kami's gift to men brought him out of his thoughts. Ducking into the stall, Naruto plopped down at his favorite stool; the second to the rightmost.

"One miso ramen, oji-san." Naruto called out absentmindedly.

Ayame leaned over the counter as Teuchi dumped freshly made noodles into a large vat of boiling water.

"Just one, Naruto-kun?"

"Yeah, I'm not too hungry, just..." Naruto trailed off. He couldn't put his thoughts into words. After dropping into the seat on Naruto's left, Ayame leaned in close to him. Like, you-just-shanked-the-shit-out-of-my-personal-bubble-with-a-prison-shiv-close.

"Is something wrong?"

Looking to his left, Naruto's nose brushed with Ayame's and he noticed her face was red. Before he could panic, he remembered Ayame's _brilliant _revelation that civilians can't use jutsu. Naruto opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a commotion from outside the shop. Peeking through the flaps of the ramen bar Naruto paled at the sight and voices that greeted him.

"There he is!"

"Soooo kawaii!"

"Marry me!"

"Ichiraku Ramen, I knew he had good taste!"

"I know you want it!"

"Come home with me!"

"I love youuuu!"

"'Cause you're a good giiiirl!"

"As Anbu commander, I order you to come with me."

"Get in my pants!"

"I want your babies!"

"Can I live with you?"

"Show us your tits!"

Naruto's face turned slightly green as he realized not all of those voices were female...

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the slight delay! I'll be working on the next chapter later tonight and it'll probs be up sometime in the middle of the night. That is, for anyone on the east coast of the U.S. All you stalkers out there, one step closer to finding me! Kind of short chapter, but I'll make up with a longer chapter five! Hopefully like 5K words. Review you little shits! Flames, anything! Hope you enjoyed! Este todo para ahora, (I didn't use Google Translate, I'm so proud! ^^)  
**

**Ja!**


	4. That's Just Wrong

**AN: Holy sweet mother of fuck! Someone finally left a comment! Which means there will now be a section where I respond to comments before the story! I kinda sorta fell asleep last night... oops, so story's a tad late. That's all for now, so time for the reviews!  
**

**Ja ne!**

**Responses:**

**Magickjonny69: Thanks! I'm thinkin' of makin' this into a long series so he will eventually, but most likely not in this story.**

**JGWO: Don't know if that's a compliment or flame but either way, thanks for reviewing!**

**Dialogue:**

"Talking"

'_Thinking_'

**_This is reversed in furasshubakku_**

"_There's no plural in Romaji!_"

**On with the story,**

* * *

**Chapter Four: **_That's Just Wrong...  
_

Naruto tried to remain calm as he stood outside of Ichiraku's across from a large crowd of men and women who were watching him with rapt attention. Ayame and Teuchi were staring at the crowd with raised eyebrows as they shuffled slowly toward Naruto. Naruto was about to run when he saw someone pushing their way through the crowd. Naruto gave a sigh of relief as he saw a familiar face come to the front of the group.

"Neji, thank Kami-sam-"

Naruto was cut off by Neji appearing only inches from him.

"Naruto... kun."

Naruto swore he could hear Kami giggle as a blush crept up on Neji's face. Feeling a strong urge to vomit, Naruto turned and was about to run when he noticed another crowd of people. Then he noticed it. There were people _everywhere_. On the roofs (roofs is such a weird-sounding word), peeking through apartment windows, slowly pouring out of the allies, flying through the... someone was flying at him!

"Ack!"

Before he could see who it was, he was being carried over the person's shoulder like a sack'o'tatoes as they sprinted down the street with a horde of people, men and women, ninja and civilian alike screaming to 'give their Naruto-kun back'. Looking down, Naruto noticed a small, orange booking sticking out of the person's back pocket.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi placed Naruto on the grass in a clearing in the forest where they lost the horde before leaning over Naruto with a large smile.

"Please... call me Kaka-kun!"

Kakashi couldn't hold it in and burst out laughing as Naruto went wide-eyed before retching in the bushes. Naruto eyed Kakashi suspiciously as he walked towards him. When Kakashi tried to put a hand on his shoulder he swatted it away, making Kakashi snicker.

"What are you doing here... Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked warily.

"Saving you from your fanclub."

When Naruto just narrowed his eyes at him, Kakashi had to stop himself from rolling on the ground in laughter.

"Maa, maa... I was only kidding Naruto. You can call me Kashi-kun!"

Kakashi ducked the kunai that was launched at his face but didn't get up as he was laughing too hard. After a good two minutes of nonstop giggles, Kakashi sat up. He sweatdropped as he realized Naruto had run away.

'_There goes my plan of rescuing Naruto..._'

Kakashi stood up when he suddenly heard fast-paced footsteps approaching, along with a scream of terror and two _unmistakable _voices.

"We showed you ours, Naruto-kun! It's only youthful we get to see yours too!"

"Yosh! I shall help you experience the springtime of your youth!"

When the orange blur and two green blurs that were following it were gone, Kakashi let out a few snorts before he was once again rolling in laughter.

'_I should probably go help..._'

* * *

Naruto sweatdropped as he witnessed Anko beating the shit out of what looked like the corpses of Maito Gai and Rock Lee. Lee suddenly hopped to his feet and sprinted at Naruto.

"You can't stop my yoooouuth!"

Before he could take more than two steps, he was bowled over by a flying dumpster, courtesy of a ticked off Anko.

"Stay away from my man!"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head as he walked towards Anko.

"Thanks, Anko-sensei! I don't think I could have kept running much longer..."

"I thought I told you to call me Anko-chan?" Anko pouted.

"Right! Thanks, Anko-chan!"

Anko slung an arm over Naruto's shoulder as they began walking down the street. They were about to turn a corner when Kakashi dropped in front of them with an eye smile.

"Hello!"

Naruto hid behind Anko with his hands on her shoulders as Kakashi slowly walked forward.

"Maa... I was only kidding, Naruto."

"Yeah?! Then why'd you tell me to call you Kaka-kun?!"

Kakashi tried not to laugh as he replied.

"It was a joke."

"And Kashi-kun?"

Kakashi was now visibly struggling to hold in his laughter.

"Uhm... Also a... joke." He got out slowly. He couldn't say more than a few words for fear of falling into a fit of giggles.

"Besides, if I try anything, Anko-san can protect you."

Still glaring at Kakashi, Naruto gave a reluctant nod. With Naruto keeping his distance from Kakashi, the group started walking.

* * *

After a good ten minutes of walking, Naruto realized something.

"Uh... where exactly are we going?"

"We've just been following you." Anko answered with a sheepish grin.

Kakashi snickered at Naruto's annoyed expression.

Naruto was about to complain about wasting time when a black clad figure in a white mask slowly rose into his view. How had he not noticed someone crouching directly in front of him?

"Uzumaki Naruto... h-help me..."

"With what?" Naruto asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Rushifā-teme himself, he's after me!"

Before Naruto could ask who he was talking about, he noticed an old bandaged man at the end of the road. He had two canes strapped to his back like swords and looked absolutely fucking pissed off as hell. He slowly raised his right hand before yelling.

"Go!"

A swarm of ninja suddenly sprinted at them. They were retired nin if their age was any indication. And also they all had canes or walkers. And they were more like fast-limping than sprinting. The man with the white mask paled as the elders approached at break-neck speeds. Literally, trying to go fast at _that_ age, more than a few of them tripped on their own feet resulting in faceplants. Despite there only being roughly seventeen of them, the masked man seemed horrified. When the bandaged man at the end of the road began running at him, the masked man suddenly grabbed Naruto and ran the opposite direction.

"Hey, what the hell!"

"Get your ass back here you little fucking piece of laughing shit!"

Naruto sweatdropped as a cane was suddenly embedded in a tree next to his face. This guy was even more violent than Tsunade.

They came up on a river where the masked man put Naruto down.

"Quick, how ar-"

He was cut off when Naruto suddenly chucked him over the river.

"Hey, than-"

He was again cut off as Naruto used Kawarimi on him. He was now in a heap in front of Danzo and his crew of elderly nin.

"Why, Kami-sa-"

He was once again cut off as he was smashed over the head with a cane before rolling away to avoid being impaled by another cane.

* * *

Naruto grinned as he wiped his hands together.

'_I never thought Kawarimi would be so useful..._'

When Anko and Kakashi landed next to him, Naruto grinned cheerfully.

"Let's go!"

They shrugged as they followed him out of the forest and back to the streets.

* * *

**AN: I should really write out a plot, 'cause it's hard to just write without knowing what the next sentence will be... oh well. Next chapter will be out within the next two days. That's my goal anyways, one chapter every 48 hours or less. Sorry literally all the chapters are 1.5Kish. Do you think I should start a more serious story on the side? I dunno. Review! Flame! Give me some suggestions and shit! That's all for now,  
**

**Ja!**


	5. Are You Kidding Me!

**AN: Late update, sorry 'bout that. I'm tired as shit, so sorry if the chapter's bad or if there are any grammatical or spelling errors or whatever. Well,  
**

**Ja ne!**

**Dialogue:**

"Talking"

'_Thinking_'

**_This is reversed in furasshubakku_**

"_There's no plural in Romaji!_"

* * *

**Chapter Five: **_Are You Kidding Me?!__  
_

As their group walked back towards the village, Naruto whistled a jaunty tune with his hands on the back of his head. Kakashi giggled as he read Icha Icha: Fishcake, occasionally looking up at Naruto. Anko stayed back a few feet in order to ogle Naruto's ass. Suddenly, the peaceful atmosphere was destroyed. Well for one person at least. As a speeding female figure bowled into Naruto and carried him over her shoulder with Naruto kicking and screaming, Kakashi's eye remained glued to his book and Anko grinned widely and blushed as she got a good view of Naruto's as the woman carried him away.

"Help!"

Anko and Kakashi just giggled for different perverted reasons.

* * *

Naruto looked over his shoulder to see who was carrying him and paled at the neko mask she wore. Looking ahead again, Naruto noticed Yugao was bringing him straight for the crowd from earlier which was now outside of the Hokage tower. Yugao landed in front of the crowd and placed Naruto onto his feet.

"H-hi guys..." Naruto waved nervously as the crowd stared him down with hearts their eyes.

When a random person from the back of the crowd, a guy much to Naruto's displeasure, shouted 'it's Naruto-kun' the crowd began running at Naruto. Naruto curled into a ball, waiting for death. Before they reached him though, Naruto heard the footsteps stop. Looking up he saw Jiraiya with his back facing him and grinning back at him.

"Run gaki! These ladies won't be able to resist _my _charm!"

Before Jiraiya could even turn his head to the crowd he was trampled by them, leaving a Jiraiya-shaped bloodstain in their wake. Naruto squeaked as the mass of people came running at him. Naruto jumped to his feet, turned, and ran for his life. Looking behind him, Naruto's eyes bulged out of his head at the rate at which the crowd was gaining on him. As Naruto realized he was heading towards an ally with a dead end, he got an idea. It had allowed him to escape various other situations, so why not now? Naruto ducked low to pick up a brick as he kept running. Just before reaching the wall of the ally, he leapt into the air and spun around shouting.

"360 No-Scope!"

Instead of flying over the crowd as intended, the brick smacked into a civilian girl's face, probably killing her. Naruto had used Kawarimi on the brick only seconds after throwing it and so he ended up directly in the middle of the crowd. Quickly, Naruto picked up her limp body and launched it as far as he could towards the ally's exit. The body only flew about two feet before landing on a small group of people like a sack of potatoes. Once again, Naruto had used Kawarimi seconds after the throw, landing him on top of the group of people who were now fondling him, and still in the middle of the crowd. As anime tears streamed from Naruto's face, a loud zipping sound caused everyone to look up. Falling rapidly from a rooftop was Shikamaru tied to some ninja wire. Once he was within reach of Naruto, he grabbed his ankle and began retracting the wire. The crowd was having none of it as they grabbed at Naruto's jacket and shirt, which came off as Naruto kept slowly rising with Shikamaru. Before Naruto was out of reach though, the crowd grabbed his wrists resulting in Naruto slipping out of his pants, leaving Shikamaru holding the clothing while a practically naked Naruto was felt up and ogled by the crowd. Narrowing his eyes in determination Shikamaru used Kawarimi on Naruto, putting Naruto out of the crowd's reach and Shikamaru right in the middle. Naruto and Shikamaru shared a moment as tears flooded their eyes. Within seconds Shikamaru's visage was devoured by the crowd's angry hands. Wiping his eyes, Naruto waited for the slow rise up. That made him wonder, who was pulling him up?

"Naruto-kun!"

Naruto barely dodged a purple missile as he looked behind him to see Ino in a heap after her failed glomp. Ino looked up and blushed as she saw Naruto's state of undress.

"Ufufufu"

Getting chills in his spine from the perverted giggle, Naruto turned to run, but was met by a man who looked strikingly similar to Ino. He put his hands in the sign for the Yamanaka clan's famous Shintenshin no Jutsu. Naruto leapt into a graceful back flip to avoid the jutsu but was tackled from the air by a man with black, spiky hair and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Summoning a clone, Naruto switched with it to get out of the bearded man's grip. Upon doing so, he realized he was falling straight for the crowd with nowhere to go.

"Well, fuck."

* * *

Two Anbu were currently scouting the forest. They had been sent by the Hokage to investigate some suspicious activity. As they neared a particular tree, they noticed something wrong with it. A man in a black outfit with an all white mask was skewered by, and pinned to the tree with, a cane. When they got closer though, the man poofed into smoke and an old, bandaged man came out of the smoke canes a'swingin'.

* * *

Anko still had a perverted grin on her face as she walked into her favorite dango shop. Kakashi was walking beside her, still buried nose-deep in his Icha Icha: Fishcake book. Hearing a slight commotion in the distance, Kakashi chanced a glance up from his book. All the way down the street he saw a naked Naruto free falling toward a group of squealing men and women. He lightly tapped Anko's shoulder to get her to look.

"Naruto's in trouble."

Anko turned and got ready to pummel whoever was bothering Naruto, until she noticed his lack of clothing. She just re-adopted her perverted grin and slightly drooled as Naruto neared the crowd. Seeing as she wasn't moving, Kakashi tried to play to her current interests.

"If you save him, you'd get to carry him."

Anko's eyes widened before she took off towards the blonde with a red face and perverted grin.

Naruto suddenly noticed a figure sprinting at him with an unmistakable trench coat flapping behind her. Finally seeing a chance at escaping, Naruto made a hand seal. When Anko realized she was all of a sudden falling through the sky, she yelled at the naked form of a sprinting blonde.

"You asshole!"

A large grin spread over Naruto's face as he continued to distance himself from the crowd. That grin started to slip as Naruto realized why running through the street in just boxers and ninja sandals was not a good idea. A small group of people started to collect behind him and chase after him. It was nearly as big as the crowd from before, but looking back at the group of people he realized this was a lot worse. He was being hunted down by a bunch of grannies and grandpas. And they were catching up rather fast. Naruto suddenly faceplanted before somersaulting about eight times from a flying cane that hit the back of his head. From his position on the ground, Naruto got an upskirt of the approaching grannies. With a green face, he scrambled to his feet. Seeing how fast the group was gaining on him, Naruto briefly contemplated using lethal force until he was suddenly lifted into the air. Looking up he noticed a black and white bird with a pasty-white ninja on top of it. Before he could thank the man, he spoke.

"So Naruto-kun does have a penis."

"What the hell Sai?!"

Using a kunai, Naruto stabbed the bird into ink causing him to fall. He noticed he was flying towards the Hyuuga compound.

* * *

Hinata was in her room sitting on a tatami mat. In front of her were two fuma shuriken with a motor welded in between them. Hinata had on a welding mask to protect her face from sparks and was blow torching the shit out of the blades in front of her. She whipped out a chainsaw from underneath her bed and revved it before sawing off one of the metal legs of her bed. She violently slammed the leg onto the contraption in front of her and welded the flying fuck out of it until it was stuck to the thing. She now had two fuma shuriken that spun in opposite directions attached to a motor that was attached to the makeshift handle. She was going to murder the other girls after her Naruto-kun. And she was going to enjoy it. She suddenly looked up in surprise as her ceiling fucking exploded. Waving the smoke away from the front of her face, she saw Naruto on top of a pile of rubble on her bed. He was only wearing a pair of ramen and swirl patterned boxers and his ninja sandals along with the necklace of the Shodaime Hokage. Hinata grinned perversely and blushed as Naruto sat up in her bed, shaking the drywall out of his hair. She prepared to pounce on Naruto, but he leapt off the bed and to the other side of the room.

"Naruto-kun... can't you stay a while?"

Seeing Naruto wasn't going to do any such thing, she brandished a kunai in each hand whilst slowly stalking towards Naruto.

"Just hold still..."

Naruto eeped as Hinata tried to skewer him to the wall with the kunai. Picking up her homemade murder-fan, Hinata spoke with a pout.

"Am I going to have to remove Naruto-kun's legs?"

Naruto almost pissed himself as Hinata revved the motor on the contraption. Naruto sprinted out the bedroom door, but only just barely avoided losing his left buttock as Hinata took a wild swing at his legs. What he couldn't avoid though, was having his boxers sliced off, leaving him in nothing but a necklace and sandals. As he felt air wiz past his thighs, he decided he cared more about his legs than his dignity and bolted out the front door of the main branch house of the Hyuuga compound. With his junk wildly swinging in the air, Naruto was drawing the looks of all the Hyuuga as he just barely kept out of reach of Hinata's manic swings. As Naruto neared the exit to the compound, Hinata started gaining on him. Just as Naruto thought he was gonna lose his legs, he reached the exit of the compound where Hinata decided to call it quits. Naruto was too busy looking behind him to make sure Hinata wasn't chasing him and ran into someone.

"Oh..."

Shizune blushed as she saw Naruto's naked body pressed flush up against hers. Before she was able to wrap her arms around him, Naruto jumped away with a wary look on his face. When he saw Shizune's gaze drift downward, it took him a few seconds to realize he was completely naked, and Shizune was staring directly at his crotch. Naruto blushed as he used Henge to appear as if he was in his usual orange and black jumpsuit. When Shizune looked up to meet Naruto's eyes, he noticed her blush and narrowed his eyes. He suddenly smirk as an idea came to him; he would use the trusty tactic that allowed him to escape 'the jutsu' many times before. Picking up a nearby brick, Naruto attempted to hurl it away and use Kawarimi on it. He completely fucked it up. The brick flew straight at Shizune's face and Naruto had used Kawarimi way to soon, resulting in Shizune getting a face-full of his pelvis. Pulling out a kunai, Naruto cursed. Apparently, his aim with bricks wasn't as good as his aim with kunai. Naruto hurled the kunai and used Kawarimi on it, causing him to smash into the ground face first. Realizing his failure, a raincloud formed over Naruto's head as he trudged away from Shizune, who was smiling perversely with a dazed expression.

As Naruto dragged his feet to his house, he was approached by many blushing men and women, all of whom received a Rasengan to the face or crotch for their troubles. Finally reaching his run-down apartment, Naruto stepped over the knocked down door. He took a right into his bedroom and plopped into his bed. Looking over to his left he glanced at his alarm clock. Anime tears began to stream from his face as he saw the time.

3:30.

It had been less than three hours since Kami had asked Naruto for this 'favor'.

This left him with a little more than sixty-nine hours until Kami would undo this harem thing.

Naruto anime-cried himself to sleep.

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the late update again. Lemme know how it was. Finally made a longer-than-usual chapter. yay. I'm goin' to sleep. Don't forget to review!**

**Ja!**


End file.
